Refrigerator Art

Posted on January 31st, 2010 by Jean

It’s been a while since I’ve showcased my daughters’ art. They love to draw daily using pens, pencils, markers and crayons. Sometimes they’ll paint or create little sculptures with “squishy” (Play Doh). I hope you will enjoy their recent sketches.
 
Natalie, age 7, loves to draw girls. She has a unique style, a steady hand, and is surprisingly quick at completing her scenes.
 
 
 
 
• Fashion Girls •

 
 
• Liv Dolls •

 
 
• Dancers •

 
 
• Love At First Sight •

 
 
• Project Runway Workroom •

 
 
• Making New Friends •

 
 
 
Pearl, age 5, draws whimsical scenes. She has a lot of confidence, and is always pleased with her results.
 
 
 
 
• She’s A Star •

 
 
• Fairy Love •

 
 
• Big Cat •

 
 
• Sweet Heart •

 
 
• Blue Princess •

 
 
• Sophie •

 
Thanks for visiting the girls’ gallery!

All Nighter at the Sleep Lab

Posted on January 29th, 2010 by Jean

It’s 9pm, and I’m going to an exclusive resort! Ok, I can exaggerate. It’s really a Sleep Lab, but I’m pretending to look forward to it. After all, I won’t have to put the kids to bed or listen to hubby choking on his phlegmy flu. I’ll even have cable tv. Score!
 
Driving at night in the drizzling rain, I definitely should have cased the joint by the light of day. One u-turn and my headlights reveal the correct address. I grab my overnight bag, lock the car, and enter through the rear.
 
“Good morning!” I don’t know who this guy is, but 1) he’s watching a person sleep via his computer; and 2) he’s delusional. I’m relieved when a cheery blonde says she will be assisting me. She leads me to my room, tells me to get comfortable, and promises to return in about an hour. Let’s channel surf!
 
I flick on the t.v. and it’s already perfect. E!’s Fashion Police! The fashion police are ageless Joan Rivers, beautiful Khloe Kardashian Odom, skin & bones E! News hostess Giuliana (I hope she takes her doctor’s advice and gains 5 lbs), and forgive me if I don’t know his name, some flamboyant man with gray/silver hair. Looks like he colored it himself with a spray can. Why don’t the other police turn on him?
 
My mind is numb with fashion do’s and don’ts. Where is my chipper nurse? I’m yawning here. She may have to wake me up for my sleep test. How ironic is that?
 
Knock, knock. Oh, is it morning already? I get a laugh out of the nurse, but seriously, I’m exhausted. Let’s get this show on the road.
 
I’m allowed to pee before getting plugged in, and the bathroom is just off my bedroom. See, it is a resort! Now I have to slide wires up the bottom of my pant legs and out the top of my shirt. Is this a joke? I’m not that flexible, but I manage. The electrodes are glued to my legs, chest, and head, two straps are placed snuggly around my chest (quite flattering on the bustline! The Fashion Police would approve!), tubes and wires are inserted into my nostrils, and a clamp is placed on the finger of my choosing. Middle finger, anyone? Clamp THIS, nurse. No disrespect, ma’am. I’m just showing you which finger to clamp.
 
Sweet dreams!
 
I flick off my t.v. and prepare to rest when the nurse’s voice scares the crap out of me! There is a speaker in the room so I can hear her, but due to a malfunction, she cannot hear me (something I am thankful for as I emit farts throughout the night. No, that is not my disorder!) She wants me to point my toes, look left and right, close my eyes, and finally to mime that I am eating a big sandwich. I wash down the sandwich with imaginary milk and prepare to snooze. Ok NOW! Sleep… NOW! Doesn’t work that way. I toss and turn for what seems like an eternity. I can hear the nurse through the paper thin walls. I hear the phone ring. I hear my doctor’s voice. Surprising he’s here this time of night.
 
I must have fallen asleep. It’s 5am I learn from the t.v. as I flick it on. The nurse will be here soon to unplug me. I can hear her releasing another sleeper. She tells them how great they look for just waking up. That must be her schpeal. There’s no way I look great. I’ve gone 24 hours without caffeine and have electrodes glued to my head. I’m a freak!
 
I’m glad I don’t have to pee. How long will it take to unhook me? Finally she comes in, chipper as the evening prior. You slept good! Obviously we have differing definitions of a good night’s rest. She lets me visit the restroom before she begins to peel the glue from my body. She advises I condition my hair, and warns that I will soon hate her. What makes her think I don’t already?
 
When she leaves the room, I peel off my jammies (I hope that camera is off!) and slip back into my clothes. I answer a quick survey, and then head to the reception desk. She thanks me for my time, but no, she does not tell me how great I look. Damn. That should be her schpeal. Time to drag my frumpy ass home.
 
• Have you been to the Sleep Lab?
• Are you a Fashion Police officer?

Man Stories

Posted on January 24th, 2010 by Jean


 
I’m a fly on the wall, privy to their stories. Better than a fly as the men look directly into my eyes and know they have my attention. The recipe to loosen their tongues and drop their defenses is alcohol and seclusion.
 
I offer them a beer, crown & water, whiskey & coke.
 
My husband, whom they have actually come to see, heads outside to rotate the horses. One at a time, the horses are removed from their pens and placed in the pasture. They must be separated or fighting ensues. Horses bite each other’s necks and asses, kick each other’s ribs causing internal damage.
 
Alcohol and seclusion.
 
Richard’s Story: Did I tell you about my wife’s and my indiscretions? Yes? How about the time I moved to Oklahoma? I sold all my properties in San Diego and took half a million dollars in cash to O.K. My wife and I returned to San Diego to take care of some business, but what we didn’t know was that my partner was cashing checks for $23,000 every day. By the time we returned, he had gone through $300,000. His house was empty. The warehouse was empty. There was no sign of him. I contacted my lawyer. He said, “What do you want to do? Sue him? He has nothing. You’d end up paying me $10,000 and you’d get nothing from him. I hired a private investigator to find him. He was living in a dilapidated trailer, driving a Pinto. All the money had gone up his nose. There was nothing to gain. I told the P.I. to just cause him enough pain so he would remember me the rest of his life. I saw him years later at a party. He was still using crutches. My wife told me not to cause a scene, so I said, “I won’t, but watch this.” I sidled right up to the guy and said, “How come you never write or call? I haven’t seen you since we were in Oklahoma.”
 
Brian’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on t.v.? No? I got a call one day from the People’s Court. See, I was building boats, and one guy was having trouble getting his registered. I told him how to do it, but he wasn’t listening. Here’s the deal with People’s Court. They pay everything. If you win, they pay you, and if you lose, they pay your fine. I had nothing to lose. I got myself a pink suit. Pink pants, pink jacket, pink shirt. I covered myself with baby oil, laid out in the sun and got really tan. I walked in there like my shit didn’t stink. What did I care? You know that guy, Rusty? He said afterward that nobody liked me. They thought I was cocky. Yeah, I was there with Judge Wapner. The Wapner. Great old guy. I lost, but see, it backfired on me. People were calling me up saying why should I buy a boat from you?
 
Johnny’s Story: Did I ever tell you about the wedding I went to? I was one of the groomsmen. Me and all my buddies were standing around before the ceremony and this one guy that I didn’t know asked, What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?” Shit, I dunno. We all said our stupid stories, and then this guy tells us that one time, he was in New Orleans and this hot chick seduced him. She brought him up to her room, stripped him naked, tied him to the bed and left. Aw man, he was thinking he was going to have some fun. Oh yeah! So, he’s laying there and this black Batman comes in. How sick is that? He’s raped by a black Batman. I said dude, shut up! Go get yourself some therapy and stop telling that story!
 
Are you ever privy to stories that maybe you shouldn’t hear?

 
Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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