It’s 9pm, and I’m going to an exclusive resort! Ok, I can exaggerate. It’s really a Sleep Lab, but I’m pretending to look forward to it. After all, I won’t have to put the kids to bed or listen to hubby choking on his phlegmy flu. I’ll even have cable tv. Score!
Driving at night in the drizzling rain, I definitely should have cased the joint by the light of day. One u-turn and my headlights reveal the correct address. I grab my overnight bag, lock the car, and enter through the rear.
“Good morning!” I don’t know who this guy is, but 1) he’s watching a person sleep via his computer; and 2) he’s delusional. I’m relieved when a cheery blonde says she will be assisting me. She leads me to my room, tells me to get comfortable, and promises to return in about an hour. Let’s channel surf!
I flick on the t.v. and it’s already perfect. E!’s Fashion Police! The fashion police are ageless Joan Rivers, beautiful Khloe Kardashian Odom, skin & bones E! News hostess Giuliana (I hope she takes her doctor’s advice and gains 5 lbs), and forgive me if I don’t know his name, some flamboyant man with gray/silver hair. Looks like he colored it himself with a spray can. Why don’t the other police turn on him?
My mind is numb with fashion do’s and don’ts. Where is my chipper nurse? I’m yawning here. She may have to wake me up for my sleep test. How ironic is that?
Knock, knock. Oh, is it morning already? I get a laugh out of the nurse, but seriously, I’m exhausted. Let’s get this show on the road.
I’m allowed to pee before getting plugged in, and the bathroom is just off my bedroom. See, it is a resort! Now I have to slide wires up the bottom of my pant legs and out the top of my shirt. Is this a joke? I’m not that flexible, but I manage. The electrodes are glued to my legs, chest, and head, two straps are placed snuggly around my chest (quite flattering on the bustline! The Fashion Police would approve!), tubes and wires are inserted into my nostrils, and a clamp is placed on the finger of my choosing. Middle finger, anyone? Clamp THIS, nurse. No disrespect, ma’am. I’m just showing you which finger to clamp.
Sweet dreams!
I flick off my t.v. and prepare to rest when the nurse’s voice scares the crap out of me! There is a speaker in the room so I can hear her, but due to a malfunction, she cannot hear me (something I am thankful for as I emit farts throughout the night. No, that is not my disorder!) She wants me to point my toes, look left and right, close my eyes, and finally to mime that I am eating a big sandwich. I wash down the sandwich with imaginary milk and prepare to snooze. Ok NOW! Sleep… NOW! Doesn’t work that way. I toss and turn for what seems like an eternity. I can hear the nurse through the paper thin walls. I hear the phone ring. I hear my doctor’s voice. Surprising he’s here this time of night.
I must have fallen asleep. It’s 5am I learn from the t.v. as I flick it on. The nurse will be here soon to unplug me. I can hear her releasing another sleeper. She tells them how great they look for just waking up. That must be her schpeal. There’s no way I look great. I’ve gone 24 hours without caffeine and have electrodes glued to my head. I’m a freak!
I’m glad I don’t have to pee. How long will it take to unhook me? Finally she comes in, chipper as the evening prior. You slept good! Obviously we have differing definitions of a good night’s rest. She lets me visit the restroom before she begins to peel the glue from my body. She advises I condition my hair, and warns that I will soon hate her. What makes her think I don’t already?
When she leaves the room, I peel off my jammies (I hope that camera is off!) and slip back into my clothes. I answer a quick survey, and then head to the reception desk. She thanks me for my time, but no, she does not tell me how great I look. Damn. That should be her schpeal. Time to drag my frumpy ass home.
• Have you been to the Sleep Lab?
• Are you a Fashion Police officer?
Tags: apnea, clinic, disorder, E!, fart, fashion police, lab, mime, nurse, sleep
