My Horizontal Life
Inspired by Chelsea, here are two of my worst (and PG-13 rated) dating memories.
One In The Bush
After an evening of dancing and drinking with my non-committal boyfriend, we returned to our cars parked behind my office. I pulled out of the parking lot and idled at the stop sign, waiting for *Rico to pull up behind me. What was taking him so long? Several minutes passed before he finally appeared. As I hopped out of my car, he rolled down his window, and I kissed him intently one last time for the evening. Rico could have used a Tic Tac, but other than that, nothing seemed amiss. In the morning, I entered my office followed by a co-worker who announced, “Hey, look! Somebody threw up in the bushes!”
Grandpa Gets His Groove Back
*Davey’s hobby was special effects makeup. With the help of a friend, he made a mold of his head, and sculpted saggy old man skin out of clay. I don’t know all the ins and outs, but the final product was a light-weight, foam “mask” he glued to his face. He donned a suit and hat, and we went to the local mall to see if he could pass as an old fart. He struck up several conversations, and no one was the wiser that he was a twenty-something geek. When we got back home, he was feeling amorous. That mask was no afrodisiac for me! The few times I forgot to keep my eyes tightly sealed, he yelled, “Don’t look at me!” I have a little more respect now for The Girls Next Door.
• Have you read any of Chelsea Handler’s books?
• If you had just hurled, would you decline a kiss?
• What is one of your worst dating memories?
* Names have been changed.
Comment By: Beth
October 1st, 2010 at 5:55 pm
LOL!!!!!
The barf guy…eeeeew. Yeah, if I’d just lost my lunch, I’d keep my lips to myself.
Bad dates? Hmmmm. I remember one guy who played his guitar and sang me a bunch of songs. One of them was “Already Gone,” a song made popular by The Eagles. Then the twit tried to dazzle me by saying–insisting–that he wrote it. Um, okay.
My first date with Carl was pretty bad. He was working at the mall at the time (remember, we were mere infants), so we went out after he closed up the store. He pulled into Red Lobster, but they had just stopped seating. We went down the road to a steak joint…same story. We tried the Chinese place and this really cute old Chinese guy just shook his head and said, “Why don’t you kids go get a nice pizza?” By this time it was raining–hard. We ended up eating cheeseburgers in the car after going through the drive-thru at McD’s because it was too wicked to even get out of the car and go inside.
For the longest time, Carl used to tell people that he couldn’t believe that I went out with him again after that. :O)
Comment By: Jean
October 1st, 2010 at 6:03 pm
Beth, your first date with Carl is hilarious!!!!
OMg, no way that the guitar dufus tried to pass that song off as his own.
I never told barf boy that I knew he hurled. We are STILL friends after all these years.
Comment By: Lisa
October 1st, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Jean, that first thing happened to me, too! My friends told me about it AFTER we had been making out! I have such a weak stomach that I hurled, too! BLAH!
I Love, Love, Love Chelsea Handler! I mean I LOVE HER!
haha
Comment By: Jean
October 1st, 2010 at 7:21 pm
Oh, Lisa! I’m glad I didn’t know about it til the next day. I’d have hurled too!
I wish we had zoomed over to Vegas to see Chelsea.
Comment By: Lisa
October 1st, 2010 at 7:49 pm
Oh, I know!
She was here too back in March at our favorite venue, The Dodge. It was my son-in-laws birthday, so we couldn’t go:(
We saw Lewis Black there & it was such a good place to see the comedians!
We go see Alice Coopers Christmas show every year there too. I had mentioned it to Georgia & she said she wanted to go this year. You should come down! We could find a sitter for the girls:)
He always has cool guests, saw that girl from American Idol, Jordan whats-her-name & lots of others through the years. Its for charity. Its a good time & we make time for a “date” during the holidays just for us!
Comment By: Jean
October 1st, 2010 at 7:53 pm
I will run it past Tom. Thank you for thinking of us!
Comment By: Sunny
October 2nd, 2010 at 7:27 am
You have the funniest stories! Honeys cousins and I were just telling funny stories like this last weekend. Yours are still the best!
Comment By: Jean
October 2nd, 2010 at 7:36 am
Awww, thanks! Wish I could have been a fly on the wall when you all were sharing stories! LOL!
Comment By: Chelsea Handler » Inspired By Chelsea Handler ~ Worst Dates | jeanhasbeenshopping.com
October 2nd, 2010 at 8:17 am
[…] Read more: Inspired By Chelsea Handler ~ Worst Dates | jeanhasbeenshopping.com […]
Comment By: Diva
October 2nd, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I didn’t know Chelsea was so popular. Been living under a rock, I guess.
Comment By: Jean
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:39 am
Hi Diva – I’m late to the party too. Her book hooked me though, and I ordered & read all three. Hope she plans to write more.
Comment By: Lisa
October 3rd, 2010 at 8:16 am
Ewww. Rico had barf breath!! Why would he even try to kiss you after that??
Comment By: Jean
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:38 am
Lisa, that’s what I’d like to know! LOL!
Comment By: Kristen
October 4th, 2010 at 6:22 am
Ew…just the thought of vomit breath has made me queasy. The old man mask is hilarious, though.
Comment By: Jean
October 4th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Thanks, Kristen!
The old man could have been worse. He also made a “Cornelius” from Planet of the Apes mask. :-O
Comment By: Sedate Me
October 4th, 2010 at 7:44 am
Have you read any of Chelsea Handler’s books?
I know she has/had a late night show, but all I know really know about Chelsae Handler is that she has a name suited for the porn business. Since she’s written a book about her sex life, it’s not that big a leap.
If you had just hurled, would you decline a kiss?
This is another one of those sexual double standards. Women can reject men’s advances at any moment for no reason whatsoever and get away with it. Men are just supposed to take it because it’s their fault they were rejected. They did something wrong, approached from the wrong angle, or were wearing the wrong coloured shirt.
Women, on the other hand, will spontaneously combust into suicide level hysterics or murderous rage if they are rejected…and the man gets the blame for it.
So, never decline a kiss (or any sexual advance) from a woman. They will make you pay for it. If you don’t care whether you see her again, kiss her, puke breath & all. Maybe you’ll get lucky. If you want to see her again, try to say something about barfing or grab for a mint or something, but kiss her anyway.
Better to submit to her desire and leave a foul taste in her mouth than to make her eyes turn red in anger.
What is one of your worst dating memories?
Sex aside, they are all bad.
As a man, dating is all about debasing yourself in an attempt to get somewhere, either by telling lies, or by jumping through hoops like a circus dog act.
Comment By: Jean
October 4th, 2010 at 10:16 am
Hi, Sedate Me.
Well, first off, I’m saddened that you’ve had horrible dates. Hopefully the good sex is making up for it.
Speaking of porn, I just learned Chelsea made a sex tape. She inserted it (no pun intended) into her video resume when she was trying to break into stand-up.
Yes, good advice. Grab the tic-tac, and kiss.
Comment By: Sedate Me
October 4th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Good sex is like good pain killers. It can numb the pain you went through to get it.
Considering what a catch I am and how great I am in bed, it’s absolutely shocking the undeserved abuse I’ve taken from women along the way (and not the “good” kind of abuse either). I rarely relate the details to anyone, unless I think it might help me seal the deal with an overtly empathetic gal. If I suffered through that much bullshit to get some tail, I can only assume mere mortal men have had it much worse than I.
One thing for sure, without lying, doing back-flips for doggy treats, or waving around a wad of money, most men don’t have much of a chance without a case of alcohol being present.
Comment By: Mama Mary
October 4th, 2010 at 8:27 am
I LOVE this book! Totally couldn’t put it down. I could relate all too well to some of the stories, which I probably shouldn’t be admitting. She is hilarious!
I’ve got a lot of crazy stories that I will someday write on an anonymous blog. One that I can share is when a guy picked me up, high, then took me to a restaurant where he worked and then didn’t have enough to pay the bill, even with his employee discount. The story gets better. I may need to blog about it actually now that I think about it. : ) Glad to have you on my SITS tribe!
Comment By: Jean
October 4th, 2010 at 10:13 am
Hi Mama Mary! Love your blog & podcast.
Can’t wait to read about your bad dates.
I’d love to post some anonymous stories. Let me know if you’re taking anonymous bad date stories. LOL!
Comment By: Helena
October 4th, 2010 at 9:23 am
Your stories make me laugh! (and throw up a little in my mouth)
In answer to your questions: Yes, I love Chelsea. I would definitely decline a puke-kiss. And my worst date was senior prom. It started with a date with a bad attitude, and ended with blood-covered hands. Huh. I feel a blog post coming on…
Stopping by from the Pug group!
Comment By: Jean
October 4th, 2010 at 10:11 am
HI Helena – Thanks! (and sorry)
Can’t wait to read your post! Bloody hands?! Holy crap!
Go pugs! We rock.
Comment By: Alexandra
October 4th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Oh, I cannot even adequately describe the worst date I ever had. We were at a club, dancing, and the weirdo out of nowhere began stickign his knee between my legs while ont eh dancefloor! and this was before cellphones, and he had driven me.
It was awful. I had to find a payphone and call and call to get someone to pick me up.
Life before cellphones was awful.
Lovely to meet you, and thanks for stopping over. So much.
Comment By: Jean
October 4th, 2010 at 10:10 am
Alexandra, you are so right! Life before cellphones was the pits!
What a whack job your date was. Geez Louise!
It is lovely to meet you as well. Thank you for swinging by.
Comment By: stacey@Havoc&Mayhem
October 4th, 2010 at 10:49 am
I am on the hold list for the book at the library & looking forward to it. I totally would have pushed away anyone after I had thrown up.
Worst dating memory.. not worst be certainly oddest. I went out with a guy I had been flirty friends with for ages. We finally decided to try a date just to see what would happen. What happened was we came back to may place and were making out on the sofa when out of the blue he says “So…you mind if I tie you up?”
WFT? Really? On a first date? With no warm up?
Comment By: Jean
October 4th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Bwahahahahahaha! Stacey, I can imagine your reply!
I hope you get the book soon. It was my fav. out of her three.
Comment By: Sedate Me
October 4th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I think you already warmed him up plenty.
Comment By: gareth
October 4th, 2010 at 11:54 pm
The puke story reminded me of……… na , I aint saying.
Very funny , never heard of Chelsea Handler…sorry
Comment By: Jean
October 5th, 2010 at 6:49 am
Hmmm… the wheels are turning, Gareth. I wonder what it reminds you of.
Chelsea is a stand-up comic who has her own talk show at night.
Comment By: Jen @ After The Alter
November 8th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
I have heard her books are hysterical although I haven’t read one myself. lol I may just take your recommendation!
Visiting from SITS!
Comment By: Jean
November 8th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Hi SITStah Jen! I highly recommend Chelsea’s One Night Stands book. It’s the funniest of the lot.
Thank you for visiting. I’m on my way to your blog to comment on your super-star hubby to be! Score!