I’m Thankful I Didn’t…

Posted on November 29th, 2008 by Jean

… lose my expensive bag in space.

There goes my deposit at Bag Borrow or Steal™.

… get replaced by 19 year old twins.

Looks like they’re draining the life right out of him!

… agree to have my butt waxed on t.v.

Aired on TheDoctors November 24th.

I’m Thankful I Didn’t (take two)…

… marry that El Debarge wannabe.
Ooops! I actually did do that.

… marry that guy that was old enough to be my father.
Wrong again. I did that too!

… move to one of the hottest places in North America.

Yipes! I did, and I’m still here too.

… invest money in the stock market.
Wahhhh! No comment.

I’m Thankful I Didn’t (take three)…

… tattoo anyone’s name on my body.

Hey, I got one right!

… try to have my children at home.
C-sections are best done at the hospital, I would think.

… move to one of the coldest places in North America.
I’m a wimp when it comes to cold weather.

… moon or flash anyone.
Which reminds me…

A Mooning Memory

Way back in the late 70’s or early 80’s, I was having breakfast with my brother, sister, Mom and Dad at a restaurant in either Reno or Sparks, NV. This particular restaurant had a bubble window right next to one of the tables. Yes, a big bubble of a window to enjoy the view of snow covered mountains. Let me give you a little piece of advice. If you ever see a *Leave It To Beaver*-type family enjoying their french toast near a bubble window, do not moon them. They could be scarred for life.

• Are you thankful you didn’t…?
• Do you have a mooning memory?

Thanks for reading!

Tags: fun, regrets, thankful

Gifts I DON’T Want

Posted on November 25th, 2008 by Jean

*Return To Sender*
Do you know what I don’t want for Christmas? This neck warmer.

Available at Banana Republic.

First off, for $59.00 $35.40 (sale price), I’d expect to get a whole sweater, not just the neckband. Could they at least throw in the wristbands while they’re at it?

Available nowhere. This is a figment of my imagination.

I also do not want a marshmallow blaster, unless you are going to blast those puppies right into my mouth. It’s the thought of marshmallows going to waste that bothers me.

Pump-Action 50-Foot Marshmallow Blaster ($39.95) available at Hammacher Schlemmer.

Another item I’ll pass on is vibrating mascara.

Available at Sephora ($34).

A vibrator? Sure! Mascara? You bet! But not together!

What is on your *Return To Sender* list?

Tags: Christmas, funny, Humor, Shopping

Beware the Free Pilates Class

Posted on October 14th, 2008 by Jean

Natalie’s school offers free pilates classes on Monday evenings. We ventured over there last night to partake.

The intimate class was comprised of the instructor, her 3 year old daughter (Ali), a 5 year old student (Reagan), me and my girls.

What the Instructor Said:
Class, lay down on your mats and we shall begin warming up.

What the Children Heard:
Natalie, lay down on your side and look bored. Please strike this pose for 30 minutes.
Pearl, good effort!
Ali, now is the time to bend your mat up to your nose and give it a good sniff. Don’t stop yet! Sniff your mat for 20 minutes.
Reagan, do not listen to anything I say, and make as much noise as humanly possible.

What the Instructor Said:
Pose like dogs, and try to find your tail.

What the Children Heard:
You are ferocious dogs who must attack! Pearl-dog, head-butt your sister. It is the only way we can all get out of class early!

What the Instructor Said:
Now make your back straight, like a table.

What the Children Heard:
Reagan, get a cup and put it on my back. I’ll demonstrate what a table really looks like.

What the Instructor Said:
Fold up like a bug, and roll onto your back. Now roll back up to the starting position.

What I Heard:
Jean, I’m going to kill you. Fold up like a bug, roll onto your back, and lay there helpless.

What the Instructor Said:
Let’s stand up and do some dance moves.

What the Children Heard:
Reagan, this is going to be complicated. First, I need you to stand next to me and remind me to breath. Then, wander around the room on tippy-toes because I did mention something about dance moves. Now, do you see those folded mats over there? Try to balance on them. I know, it looks risky, huh? Well, you’ll do it anyway.
Natalie, continue to cry. Really, class will end right after this dance move.
Ali, stand on my feet. The closer to me, the better for me to demonstrate this move.
Pearl, sit next to your sister and make a pouty face.