Gifts I DON’T Want

Posted on November 25th, 2008 by Jean

*Return To Sender*
Do you know what I don’t want for Christmas? This neck warmer.

Available at Banana Republic.

First off, for $59.00 $35.40 (sale price), I’d expect to get a whole sweater, not just the neckband. Could they at least throw in the wristbands while they’re at it?

Available nowhere. This is a figment of my imagination.

I also do not want a marshmallow blaster, unless you are going to blast those puppies right into my mouth. It’s the thought of marshmallows going to waste that bothers me.

Pump-Action 50-Foot Marshmallow Blaster ($39.95) available at Hammacher Schlemmer.

Another item I’ll pass on is vibrating mascara.

Available at Sephora ($34).

A vibrator? Sure! Mascara? You bet! But not together!

What is on your *Return To Sender* list?

Tags: Christmas, funny, Humor, Shopping

10 Little Known Facts

Posted on September 15th, 2008 by Jean

I was tagged by the lovely & talented Deanna Banana to list Ten Little Known Facts about myself. Let’s get started.
 
1. I don’t shave my thighs. Ankles to my knees, the hair will occasionally be shaved. I don’t know what age I hit when I decided I no longer needed to shave my thighs, but I obviously hit it.
 

Celine Dion doesn’t shave her thighs either.
 
2. Tom calls me Indoor Mom, because I’m not very outdoorsy. I call him Outdoor Dad.
 

…would be a shitty job.
 
3. I’m in charge of feeding our cats.
 

Our cat, George, is 18 years old.
 
4. If I had a dime for every time Tom said he wanted to shave George, I’d have an extra $36.50 annually.
 

I have 20 cents from the times we have actually shaved the cat.
 
5. I once yelled *F_CK YOU!* repeatedly from the balcony as our guests drove off into the sunset.
 

They were out of earshot, but I waved & smiled just in case.
 
6. I used to have a cooking website.
 

 
7. I have never picked my own vehicle.
 

Still had to make the car payments though.
 
8. When I was little, I loved Irish Setters! I’d see one and say, There’s my dog!
 

Who’s that crazy lady? Do I know her?
 
9. I’ve really only owned 1 dog. A chihuahua!
 

Far cry from an Irish Setter.
 
10. Right now, I’m craving powdered sugar thanks to Foodie1!
 

No Bake Gingersnap Cookies
 
I’m not tagging anyone, but please let me know if you tag yourself!

Tags: facts, Humor, tag

My First Mammogram

Posted on August 18th, 2008 by Jean

Today I went for my first mammogram. I was very nervous, but it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.
 
A few things surprised me.
 
1) I got pasties! Why didn’t anyone tell me there’d be pasties? White ones with a little stud on the tip.
 

Ready for my close-up.
 
2) The machine didn’t squeeze that hard! I’ve known men with a firmer grip.
 

Ow!
 
3) Not only are you x-rayed head on, but also at a 42 degree angle.
 

I’m a pancake. I’m a fin.
 
4) I got a rose at the end of the procedure!
 

That’s more than the tomato squeezers gave me!
 
Have you gone for your mammogram yet?

Tags: Humor, mammogram