Inspired By Chelsea Handler

Posted on October 1st, 2010 by Jean

My Horizontal Life

My Horizontal Life

Over the past 24 hours I began and finished reading Chelsea Handler’s, “My Horizontal Life”. I couldn’t put it down nor look away as she described sexual escapades with suitors. By far, the funniest scenarios detailed love gone wrong.
Inspired by Chelsea, here are two of my worst (and PG-13 rated) dating memories.
One In The Bush
After an evening of dancing and drinking with my non-committal boyfriend, we returned to our cars parked behind my office. I pulled out of the parking lot and idled at the stop sign, waiting for *Rico to pull up behind me. What was taking him so long? Several minutes passed before he finally appeared. As I hopped out of my car, he rolled down his window, and I kissed him intently one last time for the evening. Rico could have used a Tic Tac, but other than that, nothing seemed amiss. In the morning, I entered my office followed by a co-worker who announced, “Hey, look! Somebody threw up in the bushes!”
Reel FX Grandpa

Grandpa Gets His Groove Back

Dirty Old Man
*Davey’s hobby was special effects makeup. With the help of a friend, he made a mold of his head, and sculpted saggy old man skin out of clay. I don’t know all the ins and outs, but the final product was a light-weight, foam “mask” he glued to his face. He donned a suit and hat, and we went to the local mall to see if he could pass as an old fart. He struck up several conversations, and no one was the wiser that he was a twenty-something geek. When we got back home, he was feeling amorous. That mask was no afrodisiac for me! The few times I forgot to keep my eyes tightly sealed, he yelled, “Don’t look at me!” I have a little more respect now for The Girls Next Door.
• Have you read any of Chelsea Handler’s books?
• If you had just hurled, would you decline a kiss?
• What is one of your worst dating memories?

* Names have been changed.

Friday Flip Offs

Posted on August 27th, 2010 by Jean

Friday Flip Offs is the brainchild of my friend, Kludgy Mom. It’s my pleasure to take part this week.
To my husband, flip off! I can no longer store the cocktail glasses you are intent on collecting from casinos. Our cabinets overfloweth. Did we really need the complete set of Fat Tire glasses? Or the Dos Equis ones? We don’t even drink those beers!
To my housekeeper, flip off! That might seem insensitive, especially since you are recovering from a heart attack, but why can’t you return my calls? I am calling to see how you are doing, not to lament over my filthy house. Are you feeling better? Put your feet up. (Call me.)
To the lady in line behind me yesterday at The Cupcakery, flip off! I wanted to try that orange julius variety, but not after you told everyone (ok, maybe just your friend) how disgusting the flavor was, and how it didn’t sit right with you. I couldn’t bring myself to order it with you eavesdropping behind me.
To the sudden burst of wind and rain in Vegas yesterday, flip off! My gawd, couldn’t you see I just had my hair done? You tousled it every which way and back. Not to mention the show you forced me to give as you got all up in my wrap-around dress. Geez Louise, you suck.
• Who or what are you flipping off today?

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Posted on August 8th, 2010 by Jean

I want to poop through my feet. Yes, seriously, I do. Not the mamby-pamby pads you stick to the soles of your feet, but a big, hearty, detoxifying dump in a foot bath. You’ll have to wait for the Ugly to see the pictures!
1. Being told by hubby, “Sure I’ll watch Pearl!”, so I could sneak away for a pedicure and detoxifying foot bath.
2. Having a gift certificate for treatment at a local salon.
3. Having a salon customer cancel, and I fill their spot immediately!
4. Looking cute in my new Isaac Mizrahi plaid Target dress on sale for $17.99.
1. Being told I can’t have the ionic foot bath because I’m pregnant. (I’m NOT pregnant!)
2. Crotchety Mildred taking an hour per foot on my pedicure, and running out of time before applying paint!
3. Not being given a towel for my lap, thus giving the salon an upskirt show.
4. Not having a private room to foot-poop in privacy.
1. What came out of my feet.

I think, technically, I only peed through my feet.
2. What has come out of other people’s feet!

These are some hearty foot dumps!
• Have you pooped through your feet?
• Would you poop through your feet?

Originally published 09/27/08 on MySpace.